7. Waiting Again: Between Recovery and Results

Learning to rest - even when it doesn't come easily.

I didn’t expect to find myself back in this space again. Waiting. But this time, it feels different.

A Different Kind of Waiting

Before surgery, the waiting was filled with questions.

What is it? What will happen? What does this mean?

Now, those questions feel… closer.

More real. More personal.

Because something has already happened.

The surgery is done. The lump is gone. And now, I’m waiting to understand what that actually means.

Recovering While Waiting

Recovery has its own rhythm.

Slower mornings. Energy that comes and goes. Moments where I feel like myself again — and moments where I don’t. The tears.

And layered over all of that is this quiet awareness:

I’m still waiting.

Waiting for results. Waiting for clarity. Waiting to know what comes next.

It’s a strange combination — healing physically, while mentally still feeling in-between.

The Fatigue I Didn’t Expect

One of the hardest parts of this phase has been the fatigue.

Not just feeling a bit tired — but a deeper kind of exhaustion.

The kind where:

• Rest doesn’t fix it

• Energy disappears quickly

• Even simple things feel like they take more than they should.
  

It’s been frustrating.

Because on the outside, it looks like everything is improving.

The surgery is done. Recovery is underway.

But internally, it hasn’t always felt like progress.

Trying to “Do It Right”

Naturally, I tried to manage it the way I usually would.

Through structure. Through nutrition. Through doing the things that normally support my body.

Focusing on:

• Eating well

• Supporting recovery with the right nutrients

• Giving my body what (I thought) it needs.
  

And while all of that felt important — it didn’t “fix” the fatigue in the way I expected.

That was a shift.

Because I’m used to putting in effort and seeing a response.

This felt different. This is felt hard.

When Effort Doesn’t Equal Outcome

There’s a point where you realise:

This isn’t something you can optimise your way out of.

It’s not about doing more.

Or doing it better.

It’s about time.

And that’s not always easy to accept.

Because time isn’t something you can control.

Or speed up.

Or improve with effort.

Letting Go (Again)

So I’ve had to shift.

From trying to manage it - to allowing it.

From trying to fix it - to respecting it.

And trusting that my body is doing what it needs to do — even when it doesn’t feel like progress.

When Your Mind Has Too Much Space

At the same time, recovery has slowed everything down.

And when your body slows down, your mind doesn’t always follow.

There’s more time to think.

More time to wonder.

More time to go over possibilities.

Some moments feel calm.

Others drift into “what if.”

And I’ve had to be intentional about not letting those thoughts get too far ahead of where I actually am.

The Balance Between Staying Positive and Staying Real

There’s a natural pull to stay positive.

To trust that everything will be okay.

To focus on what’s been done.

And I do believe that.

But I’ve also learned that it’s okay to acknowledge this part is hard.

That waiting for results, especially after everything, carries weight.

It’s not fear exactly.

It’s just… not knowing.

Training, Identity, and Patience

Training has always been part of how I process things.

It gives me structure.

Clarity.

A sense of control.

And right now, that looks different.

Limited.

Unpredictable.

Sometimes not there at all.

Combined with the fatigue, it’s been one of the biggest adjustments.

Because it’s not just about movement — it’s about identity.

And learning to sit without that, even temporarily, has been challenging.

Living in the In-Between

This space between surgery and results feels like a pause.

Not the beginning.

Not the end.

Just a moment where everything is… held.

Recovery is happening.

Answers are coming.

But neither are fully here yet.

Where I Am Now

Right now, I’m recovering.

I’m waiting.

I’m learning, again, that not everything can be pushed, planned, or solved.

Some things just take time.

And for now, that’s the work.

If you’re in a waiting phase of your own — especially one where your body is also asking you to slow down, you’ll understand this.

It’s not easy.

But it is part of the process.

And, you can do this too.