18. Scanxiety

kiwifigure

Sep 17

5 min read

Learning to live in the space between knowing and not knowing

I wanted to share this blog during Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that what I'm feeling probably isn't unique to thyroid cancer.

It’s something that many people who have had a cancer diagnosis will understand.

The waiting.

Waiting for the next blood test. Waiting for the results. Waiting for the next scan or ultrasound. Waiting for the next appointment.

And in between all of that, life carries on.

Except it doesn't always feel quite as simple as it used to.

The space between the tests

There is something strange about living with a cancer diagnosis when you're not actively being treated.

There can be long periods where nothing is happening.

No appointments.

No procedures.

No treatment.

Just life.

But somewhere in the background, there is always the next test.

And with that comes the questions.

What will it show?

Will everything still be okay?

What if it's not?

And then there are the days when I don't feel right.

A particularly exhausting day.

The brain fog.

The muscle aches.

A symptom I can't quite explain.

A day where my energy disappears completely.

Before all of this, I probably would have just put it down to being tired, having a busy week or needing more sleep.

Now there can be a little voice asking:

Is this just a bad day, or does it mean something more?

Could the cancer be back?

When the numbers and the body don't seem to agree

This is something I've found particularly difficult.

I go for my regular blood tests knowing that, in theory, the results should tell us something about how things are going.

The medication should be working.

My thyroid levels should be improving.

And if the numbers improve, surely I should start feeling better too?

But what happens when the numbers and how I feel don't seem to match?

What if the blood results show improvement, but I still feel exhausted?

What does that mean?

Am I just being impatient?

Is my body taking longer to catch up?

Is this what recovery feels like?

Is this my new normal?

Or is there something else going on?

And then my mind inevitably goes back to the thing I don't want to think about.

Is the cancer back?

It's amazing how quickly one question can lead to another.

And what if the numbers don't improve?

Then there is another layer of uncertainty.

If my blood results aren't showing the improvement we hoped for, what happens next?

Another medication adjustment.

Another change in dosage.

Another period of waiting for that adjustment to take effect.

And then another blood test.

And another wait.

Sometimes it feels like I'm constantly waiting for my body to catch up.

Waiting for the medication to work.

Waiting for my energy to return.

Waiting to feel like myself again.

And, if I'm honest, I'm getting a little tired of waiting.

Scanxiety

I've heard the term scanxiety used to describe the anxiety that can come with scans and cancer follow-ups.

But for me, it feels like it encompasses more than just the scan itself.

It's the feeling in between.

The anticipation of the next blood test.

The nervousness walking into the appointment.

The moment you open your results.

The questions that appear when your body doesn't feel right.

The waiting to find out what the next step will be.

It's learning to live with uncertainty when there is nothing you can actively do to change the outcome.

And I think that's one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn.

Because I'm someone who likes to do something.

If I have a goal, I make a plan.

If I want to get fitter, I train.

If I want to improve, I work at it.

If something isn't going right, I look for what I can change.

But cancer doesn't always give you something to do.

Sometimes you've done everything you can.

You've had the surgery.

You've taken the medication.

You've had the blood tests.

You've gone to the appointments.

You've asked the questions.

You've looked after yourself.

And then you have to wait.

So how do we live while we're waiting?

I'm still figuring this one out.

But perhaps I'm starting to realise that waiting doesn't mean putting life on hold.

I can be anxious about my next blood test and still enjoy a coffee with a friend.

I can wonder what my next results will show and still make plans.

I can have a bad day without immediately deciding that something is wrong.

I can feel tired and still be grateful for the days when I have energy.

I can be scared about what might happen without allowing that fear to take away everything that is happening right now.

And perhaps most importantly, I can focus on the things I can control.

Taking my medication.

Resting when my body needs it.

Moving when I can.

Eating well.

Going to my appointments.

Asking questions.

Spending time with my family.

Being present.

Living my life.

The uncertainty doesn't have to disappear

I don't think I'm going to suddenly become someone who isn't nervous before a blood test.

I don't think I'll ever completely stop wondering what the next scan or result might show.

And maybe that's okay.

Maybe the goal isn't to get rid of the uncertainty.

Maybe the goal is to learn how to live alongside it.

To keep moving forward even when I don't know exactly where the road is going.

To keep making plans.

To keep laughing.

To keep training when my body allows it.

To keep being Mum.

To keep being a wife.

To keep showing up for my life.

Because the truth is, uncertainty isn't exclusive to cancer.

We all experience it in different ways.

We don't know what next week will bring.

We don't know what will happen with our health, our work, our families or our plans.

We can't control every outcome.

But we can still choose what we do with today.

So for now, I'm trying not to live from one test to the next.

I'm trying to remember that my life is happening in between the tests too.

And maybe that's the real lesson I'm learning.

We don't need certainty to keep living.

Sometimes we just need enough hope to take the next step.

Maybe none of us really know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe we never will.

But I don't want to spend today waiting for certainty before I allow myself to live.

So whatever you're facing right now — whatever you're waiting for, worrying about or trying to make sense of — keep living. Keep making plans. Keep finding reasons to laugh. Keep saying yes to the moments that matter. Keep taking the next step.

Because life isn't lived when everything is certain.

Life is happening right now. Don’t miss it while waiting to find out what happens next.